If I just don't talk about it...

I feel like I am the type of person that keeps everything in... if it has anything to do with emotions I keep it in until I feel like I cant breath. When I talk about Joel I put on a face that everything is just great. It just isn't. No matter how amazing this family is that I am staying with, no matter how many classes I go to, or how much homework I have, no matter how much I have to work, how many projects I have started, how many times I hang out with friends, no matter how much I clean, or eat, or breath. Nothing feels the same. Anything I do feels like I am just alone. Even if I am standing in the middle of times square on New Years eve. Its just empty. The other day at work I had been getting asked about Joel a lot, which is understandable because well, I haven't seen anyone in a long time, so of course I will get asked how he is doing, but its that gentle reminder that it has been 2 weeks since I last talked to him and when I get asked if I am doing ok, I just say yeah I am ok or hanging in there, but how do you explain to someone that my life is flipped upside down and I go to bed thinking of him praying he is ok wherever he is in the world. Deployment is so much more than anyone can prepare for. There is not one way you can be ready for it, and there is nothing anyone can say to get you to understand. I just hate going day to day looking at the world and watching everyone go about their merry days when I know there are so many of us military wives and fiances and whatnot out there just praying for one single phone call. And yet there are girls out there who get mad if they cant see their boyfriend for an extra hour longer. Any ways, I am not even going to get into that. But I guess this post is just a way to vent. I am just getting frustrated... There is nothing I can do to know what is going on. I just love him so much and I dont know how to move on with daily things when every 5 minutes I'm checking my phone just in case I get a call. I am hoping that I can get better at talking about it without feeling like I am dying inside. However I have a feeling that it will never change. Not until I get the call. I love you Joel <3