Photog for me???

I think YES! Finally got my camera and I got a chance to play around with it a little with my first shoot for bailey! Follow my blog at TaylorHansonPhotog.blogspot.com I am so excited to start getting into the photography thing, its such a learning experience! I can only improve from here =]

A moment.

I cant breath. The walls of deployment are slowly caving in on me. There is not one emotion that I dont have. Im sad, angry, depressed, worried, scared, tired, overwhelmed, exhausted. If I show these emotions outside of these walls, Ill be weak. There are so many thoughts going through my head and I cant even stop to fully think about one. Everything is jumbled. All in a pile of mush. I have forgotten the feeling of complete happiness. The smile I give is 25% of the happiness I can actually have within me. And yet when I talk to my happiness online, I feel like Im not talking to the same person anymore. I sit here. Watching facebook. Hours at a time. Hoping someone will get on, and when someone does, I am excited, just to talk to a person that is on the same side of the world as him. But then the uneasiness settles again, knowing I wont be talking to the person Ive been waiting to talk to at 2 in the morning. Im sad because in my mind I feel abandoned. Neglected. Alone. and in my heart I know that that is not his intentions at all. I hate that I have to plan a wedding by myself. I hate that it all rides on me. Im angry because no one could prepare me for this hardship of consistently missing eachother. The past 2 years have just been a waiting game with little blips of happiness. And people still have the audacity to tell me I knew what he was signing up for. Like that is supposed to make it easier on me knowing he is fighting to stay alive. I am depressed over the loss of a good marine, friend, and brother. Feeling sorry for Joel, the guys, the family, and myself. Depressed over the loneliness that is consuming my entire body. Im worried and scared that I will get that phone call when I wake up that he has been hit, lucky to be alive. Preparing myself for an injury, whether its spraining his ankle, or losing a limb, or preparing myself for dress blues standing at my doorway... wondering how I will cope with the pain he or I will have to endure. Im tired of school and work and smiling for the world. Im just out of smiles. There are no more in the gumball machine. Having to completely wipe the slate clean every morning I wake up, to forget about the tasks he is completing today. Having to avoid the thought that he may or may not have been killing people while I was sleeping. He may or may not have been getting shot at. Wondering what his thoughts are. Since I dont ever hear how he is really feeling. I know he is trying to stay strong... putting up that front for me that I put up to the rest of the world. I have such a hard time not being let in. It makes me feel so selfish when I am dying to talk to him, and when I get angry that he doesnt talk to me more. But I can help but feel that way sometimes. Im overwhelmed at the amount of independence I have to have. It has been a constant back and forth. But I cant complain about a damn thing because everyone is just waiting to say "I told you so." People strive off of everyone elses misery. If someone is worse off than another, they want to hear about it. Not because they care, but because they just want to hear how terrible it is for everyone else. Its only interesting. I say this as a generalization. I know that everyone isnt this way. Im just exhausted. From so many feelings. internal and external. My mind and body just want to stop. But when I stop, I feel I have to push on. Like I cant stop. I fear that if I keep going though, I will learn to live completely independent. Making my husband feel like I dont need him anymore. And when he comes home, adjusting to becoming more dependent of each other and making each other feel needed, is going to be such a challenge. I will have experienced life lessons that he hasnt, just as he will feel the same. I am just trapped in this empty room and I have to wait till he comes home to get out just to once again adjust to a new way of life. Then to jump right back into it a year later. Tomorrow will be a new day and I may wake up with a new outlook. I may be completely fine. I may be distraught. Who knows. Does this hurricane ever end?