Photog for me???

I think YES! Finally got my camera and I got a chance to play around with it a little with my first shoot for bailey! Follow my blog at TaylorHansonPhotog.blogspot.com I am so excited to start getting into the photography thing, its such a learning experience! I can only improve from here =]

A moment.

I cant breath. The walls of deployment are slowly caving in on me. There is not one emotion that I dont have. Im sad, angry, depressed, worried, scared, tired, overwhelmed, exhausted. If I show these emotions outside of these walls, Ill be weak. There are so many thoughts going through my head and I cant even stop to fully think about one. Everything is jumbled. All in a pile of mush. I have forgotten the feeling of complete happiness. The smile I give is 25% of the happiness I can actually have within me. And yet when I talk to my happiness online, I feel like Im not talking to the same person anymore. I sit here. Watching facebook. Hours at a time. Hoping someone will get on, and when someone does, I am excited, just to talk to a person that is on the same side of the world as him. But then the uneasiness settles again, knowing I wont be talking to the person Ive been waiting to talk to at 2 in the morning. Im sad because in my mind I feel abandoned. Neglected. Alone. and in my heart I know that that is not his intentions at all. I hate that I have to plan a wedding by myself. I hate that it all rides on me. Im angry because no one could prepare me for this hardship of consistently missing eachother. The past 2 years have just been a waiting game with little blips of happiness. And people still have the audacity to tell me I knew what he was signing up for. Like that is supposed to make it easier on me knowing he is fighting to stay alive. I am depressed over the loss of a good marine, friend, and brother. Feeling sorry for Joel, the guys, the family, and myself. Depressed over the loneliness that is consuming my entire body. Im worried and scared that I will get that phone call when I wake up that he has been hit, lucky to be alive. Preparing myself for an injury, whether its spraining his ankle, or losing a limb, or preparing myself for dress blues standing at my doorway... wondering how I will cope with the pain he or I will have to endure. Im tired of school and work and smiling for the world. Im just out of smiles. There are no more in the gumball machine. Having to completely wipe the slate clean every morning I wake up, to forget about the tasks he is completing today. Having to avoid the thought that he may or may not have been killing people while I was sleeping. He may or may not have been getting shot at. Wondering what his thoughts are. Since I dont ever hear how he is really feeling. I know he is trying to stay strong... putting up that front for me that I put up to the rest of the world. I have such a hard time not being let in. It makes me feel so selfish when I am dying to talk to him, and when I get angry that he doesnt talk to me more. But I can help but feel that way sometimes. Im overwhelmed at the amount of independence I have to have. It has been a constant back and forth. But I cant complain about a damn thing because everyone is just waiting to say "I told you so." People strive off of everyone elses misery. If someone is worse off than another, they want to hear about it. Not because they care, but because they just want to hear how terrible it is for everyone else. Its only interesting. I say this as a generalization. I know that everyone isnt this way. Im just exhausted. From so many feelings. internal and external. My mind and body just want to stop. But when I stop, I feel I have to push on. Like I cant stop. I fear that if I keep going though, I will learn to live completely independent. Making my husband feel like I dont need him anymore. And when he comes home, adjusting to becoming more dependent of each other and making each other feel needed, is going to be such a challenge. I will have experienced life lessons that he hasnt, just as he will feel the same. I am just trapped in this empty room and I have to wait till he comes home to get out just to once again adjust to a new way of life. Then to jump right back into it a year later. Tomorrow will be a new day and I may wake up with a new outlook. I may be completely fine. I may be distraught. Who knows. Does this hurricane ever end?

Gone, but will NEVER be forgotten.

Steele Meis.
It didn’t take long before I felt like you were my brother. Instantly I knew we would get along, we both thought Joel was nuts, what more can I say =] I sit here and think about the short time that I got to know you, and its amazing how close we got. When I would get on facebook, I would first look to see if Joel was on, and then second, you. I got to talk to you more than I got to talk to Joel! Which was horrible for me at the time, but I enjoyed every second that I did get to laugh and joke around with you. To think it all started with a phone call, and from that day I would forever be Touchdown to you, and I was too lame to think of a nick name for you haha. I remember before I moved out there when we were all back in North Carolina and we got to have that first deep conversation when everyone fell asleep in the barracks, and we discussed your lady troubles =] haha I always told you that you were an idiot and you were terrible with girls =] and you were! But its ok… you were just being a guy! Sorry I got on your case so much, I just wanted to make sure you were gonna be happy! And I finally set you up with a girl, after all this time that I told you I would, and you start dating someone, just my luck! Haha then I remember when I moved out there, and you helped Joel and I move all of our stuff to storage and I made you and Ruth cookies, and you ate them right up, lol you were more excited to eat your cookies than to help us move! Haha I forgive you, they were tasty =] Also remember that night Joel was getting his head shaved and we were just hanging out having another one of those real talks. Its funny that I could so easily open up to you and we had a mutual understanding about everything. And you gave me a beer after I said I hate beer and told me I better not waste it, cause it was your last bottle lol… I almost did… but I didn’t wanna waste your bottle so yes that motivating chug of half the bottle before Joel and I left was for your sake =] I honestly feel like I lost my brother all over again. We talked about the things that mattered to us and never judged each other for it, just like family should. At first I thought you were going to think I was nutso for talking about Joel all the time, but I think you loved Joel as much as I did because you were always up for the convo! Haha somehow it always turned into us laughing at him, about his stupid faces, and his adorable smile. And how we cant stay mad at him even if he does the dumbest stuff =] And thank you for giving him his spanks for his birthday, lol I knew that when you said “Don’t fret, the next time I see him his pants are coming down and Im bending him over my knee”, I had nothing to worry about! Haha just going through all the things we talked about makes me smile, haha when I told you that you should get married pay because you had to deal with me more than Joel did, lol, stand in husband. And I wish you could have taken your Spanish classes like you wanted, haha you were supposed to come back and I was supposed to get you drunk and “shit would get real interesting” with your Spanish =] Oh and all those people we hate that “complain cause her boyfriend is talking to another girl or that the have work at 9 in the morning.” Hahaha and you got me hooked on “very well then” =] If it wasn’t for you I would not have a clue what was going on there. Now I have to go another 5 months of being clueless. You helped keep me sane and made me laugh on those tough days. I wish we had more time, I wish you could have come back with your men and we could have continued to be so close. We talked about how awesome it was going to be when you got back, and how Joel and I were going to have the get together house and you all would come over all the time =] and how awesome the welcome home party was gonna be. Steele I miss you. You said I was the sister you never had, and Steele, you were the brother that I didn’t get a chance to have. I don’t know how to accept this. I will forever be your sister. I promise you that. You are forever engraved in my heart and will never be forgotten.

Rest In Peace

February 1, 1991-March 17, 2011

Dreaming ;]

After watching the saddest movie, PS I Love You, I BAWLED MY EYES OUT! But besides that... I have this HUGE desire to go to Ireland now! So I figured when Joel and I make our millions ;] we will go! And a dream has to start somewhere, so here are the top places I want to go!

Cliffs of Moher

Poulnabrone Dolmen

Dun Aengus

Dublin City

Giants Causeway

Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge

New Grange

Wicklow National Park

Letters from boot...

Well, I am having so much down time with my wisdom teeth getting pulled and everything that I decided I would go back and read my letters from boot camp! Wow does it take me back. Its funny to look at them now considering I felt like I was dying then, and now I have 6 months to go... not even getting letters. Sometimes I think about how different our lives would be if he didn't join. Honestly, it would be completely different. We would both be going to college, not married, still living in Arizona, I would be at NAU for Dental Hygiene, he would be playing football at MCC and trying to get into firefighting. We have had to face so many challenges in our relationship but I wouldn't change any of it. I have learned that every day spent with him is the best day of my life. Obviously he makes me crazy most days =] But I love him the same no matter what. When Joel is gone its almost like a time for reflection. I sit there and look at our relationship and think of all the things I want to do better when he gets back, we are not perfect, far from it, but I can learn to appreciate the times we have apart, for us to grow as individuals and create goals beyond each other. We both need our independence just as much as our dependence. Deployment has taught me how to do a ton of things on my own. Granted it would be nice to do them with Joel, but I can accept what we have chosen for our lives and if it means doing things on my own then so be it. It is all going to be worth it when I am back in his arms again come August <3

108 Pages, Promised I would write every day =]

Lost the mail key a couple times... Panicked just the same every time! 

Haha maybe this was cruel... To start off a letter sounding like a "Dear John" =P

Then, Now, Forever <3

A picture a day while you were away...

Yeah obviously I failed the 30 day challenge lol. I have such a hard time finishing things... I get bored with it so easy!! Anyways, Im thinkin ill just post my picture of the day everyday on here instead =] or a few of them idk... Sometimes I just really don't know what to talk about! So here are my pictures so far!

Day 1- Hardest day of my life was watching him leave =[

Day 2- I got SO lucky that my friend Katie could help me out with the terrible situation I was in, we talked all night long and woke up to this beautiful day!

Day 3- Got home after a LONG flight and Nana and Papa took Mom and me to dinner at Olive Garden

Day 4- First day at Chandler-Gilbert! Stayed the night at Keelies and had math and communications

Day 5- Irrigation day!

Day 6- After a long week of being SUPER busy, this is how I felt =P

Day 7- Met with Brittany Janelle about our wedding photography =] and went to see “No strings attached” with Courtney and it was SO cute! And then we stopped to see Jeff and played the Xbox Kinect it is SOOOO fun!! We danced the night away, and then Joel got online and I ran up to who evers computer was upstairs and talked to him for 30 minutes!

Day 8- Had lunch with Zellner and talked about everything! I got the first Valentines care package made for Joel and the guys =]

Day 9- STEELER GAME at Uncle Bears! They won and were going to the Super Bowl!

Day 10- Bay, Kenz, and I went to Filly B’s and I got the famous Carne Asada fries =] couldn’t even finish half of them!

Day 11- We wanted to make these Valentines cookies to send to Joel… but some got burnt… and we couldn’t resist eating the rest haha!

Day 12- My day to cook! Made taco bake =] YUMM

Day 13- Keelie and I just hung out in the library… where I would sit on the computer for the hour between classes and wait for Joel to get on!

Day 14- Yep you guessed it! Rearranged and cleaned the room! It looks awesome now =] Sorry Joel but this room needed a little bit better set up...

Day 15- Time to clean pens… Also had a photo shoot with Spur too! Then Bailey and I went to Michaels and made flower balls =]

Day 16- Stinkin dryer broke! Time to start hanging clothes!

Day 17- Got my hair done… it was lookin a little grown out, and thought I would throw some darker blonde in

Day 18- Kenz and I realized I didn’t take a picture for the day… so this one is random

Day 19- First night back to work! And after class I had my consultation at the Dentist for my wisdom teeth to get pulled… I WAS NOT EXCITED.

Day 20- Haha Robbie wanted to go out to eat and get all dressed up… went to Paradise for some hot cocoa and then Olive Garden!

Day 22- Didn’t do much today, just put all of my letters from boot camp in a binder… 108 pages! And Courtney came over and we hung out =]

Day 23- Super bowl Sunday! Steelers lost =[ But I hung out at dads and ate some yummy food!

Day 24- Basketball game, last game for bay!

Day 25- Finally went to the DMV and got my name changed! Cake in a Jar was so weird and I don’t even think it came out right lol

Day 26- I sent out your second care package and had to work that night, and all I have been doing is tan tan tan tan after class =]

Day 27- WORKIN OUT! Im getting in shape baybayy! Dad and I went to lunch together too =]

Day 28- FINALLY GOT TO TALK TO JOEL!!!!!!!!! Haha I just woke up =] I know Joel misses this morning hair =] Then I had to work ALL day AGAIN.

Day 29- Gosh. That was a bad idea! Lol but I got a bunch of REALLY cute stuff haha

Day 30- Ok so this was the funnest night I have had in a while! I sang 3 songs and sang a duet with the karaoke man, ITS SOOO FUN! =]

Day 31- Went to Olive Garden with the fam. It was hilarious! Scott and Joel are too funny... and I realized that I am the 5th wheel everywhere now! bummer! 

Day 32- Well here it is.... Valentines day! Haha everyone was posting their Valentines flowers so I figured Id take a picture with the next best thing A WEED =] lol this valentines day sucked!